My 78-year-old father recently underwent an ordeal on the return leg of a round-trip he and my mom took to Cincinnati.  An airport security agent pulled him aside and strip-searched him in public, a procedure that included a double fisted anal probe, followed by a lengthy waterboarding in Crisco Oil.

Okay, so I exaggerate, but what really happened was probably only a tad less humiliating, as the inspector actually ran his gloved fingers underneath the elastic band of my dad’s underwear.  (What did he think he’d find, an exploding Fruit-of-the-Loom tag?) And yes, I know we all have to make sacrifices to assure the safety of everyone who flies.  But is punking an old guy really making travel safer?

There is a way to ensure air travelers are treated respectfully, while maintaining an even higher level of security.

Let’s rethink the entire security process, from the time the passenger arrives at the terminal, to the time they depart on their flight.

What if the security officer who screens the passengers was required to get on the plane and fly with them to the next destination? That officer would have the greatest incentive imaginable to make sure dangerous people are discovered before boarding: his or her life.

Here’s how it could work: Passengers would pass thought an initial x-ray screening on the way to their respective gates.  There would be no frisking, no profiling, no pulling passengers out of line unless something suspicious showed up on the x-ray.  It would be many times quicker than the current process.

When the passengers regroup at their respective boarding gates, they will be screened by a second security agent, the “Airline Chaperon” — the one that will accompany them on the plane.

The time a passenger spends at the gate is normally wasted anyway, as they sit and wait for the boarding call.  The Airline Chaperon would take advantage of this time to screen each passenger one-on-one, utilizing a hand-scanner when deemed appropriate. Signs would be posted, as in restaurants, advising passengers: “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.” The Airline Chaperon will have the authority to pull suspicious passengers aside for more thorough scrutiny or to deny them passage altogether.

After all the passengers have been interviewed and have boarded the flight, the Airline Chaperon will join them on the plane.  Once at the destination airport, the Airline Chaperon will then repeat the procedure with a new group of returning air travelers.

Requiring the person who screens the passengers to get on the plane with them will ensure that all passengers are scrutinized equally and increase the likelihood that suspicious ones will be weeded out before they become a threat in the air.

In case anyone asks,

Braddon